For the past decades if one looked at my life from a non-believer’s point of view, he would find a novel-like story which author was a highly imaginative person. Even I could hardly follow the plot of my own life.
I was born in Bangkok, Thailand, the youngest daughter of my family whose parents were devout people. My mother especially would worship all things she thought were sacred—ranging from the moon to statues. Fortunately they sent all their three daughters to catholic girl schools for education. After graduation from high school in Bangkok, I went to the U.S.A., and came back with a Bachelor degree (Honors) in Business Administration in 1969 at the age of only 20. I was immediately offered a job by Thailand’s first finance and securities company. With hard work and outstanding performance I was asked by a large commercial bank’s President to co-found another such company 5 years later, and became its first Managing Director. At the age of 25 I was the youngest female top financial executive in Thailand at that time. Five more years later the Chairman of the company wanted to retire. With assistance from another financier, I bought up all his shares and became the biggest shareholder of the company. At the age of 30 I was at the top of the world!
Then lightening struck. Less than a year after I took over the company, the Stock Exchange of Thailand crashed for the first time. I did all I could, but finally decided to sell the company back at a tremendous loss. I was willing to sacrifice myself in exchange for the safety of the money of the depositors many of whom were catholic schools.
Having brought the ship safely back to shore, I was totally exhausted and wanted to rest. I resigned. Before I was due to leave, something unimaginable happened. I was asked to attend a meeting, an ordinary event in my daily life then. On that fateful day, however, there was no meeting. Instead, I was held against my will in the meeting room for 7 hours, forced to sign some papers by a senior director. Seeing that it was unethical, I steadfastly refused. From 4:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. I was denied any food nor drinks. When the director who held me captive finally had to let me go before midnight, he pointed his finger at me. “One day you’ll be sorry.” Little did I know that what I did or did not do that day would cost me 2 decades of my life.
Later this man became the new Chairman of the company, and he was true to his words.
One day I got the shock of my life when I was tipped off that an arrest warrant was on the way for me for allegedly embezzling my former company a staggering amount of Baht 196 MM! (approximately US$ 7.84 MM at that time). A former employee of mine whose wedding was officiated by me was willing to give false testimonies to the police in exchange for a promotion. While all accused were presumed innocent until proven guilty in court, I could be jailed rotten if I could not produce enough bail. Where could I obtain that amount of money for bail? I had no choice. Leaving my 4 young children and my husband behind, I took the first plane out of Thailand the next morning. As soon as the plane took off, I buried my face in my hands and cried out in my heart, “God! I am innocent! I am innocent!”
My life from that point on was like that of the doctor played by Harrison Ford in the movie, “The Fugitive”. Fearing I might be arrested, I moved from place to place, some days eating just one meal. At night I’d be too scared to sleep. My life as a pitiful fugitive went on till…… Dec. 25, 1989. Having been awake the whole previous night, I went to sleep late in the morning: and woke up around 7:00 p.m. I was starved. It was pitched dark outside and it was cold, very cold, and raining. When I came back to my room empty handed because all shops and restaurants were closed, I was hungry and angry. I became hysterical and started cursing the man who put me through this suffering, and the lawyer and the false witness who were both my previous employees. I must have temporarily gone insane at that point, and saw my own life less worthy than the dust on the floor. I ran around my tiny room looking for something—a knife, a rope, anything that could end my miserable being.
When I could not find any, I knelt down in the middle of the floor and cried out to the Lord. “Dear God. I do not know what sin I committed in my past life, but I can’t go on living anymore. Please come and take me to be with you.”
At that time I was not yet baptized. But throughout my ordeal I prayed feverishly night and day to God for His help.
I did not know how long I was kneeling there, but was jolted awake when a thought flashed into my mind without my awareness. It was like someone had spoken to me. “Don’t give up, my child. One day the truth will prevail. God has a mission for you.”
I jumped up from the floor. Did someone just talk to me? Or was I hallucinating? There was no one in the room except me. Then it dawned on me that though I was suffering beyond words, I was still free, wasn’t I? Besides, every time I thought I had come to the end of the rope, I’d get some reprieve. There couldn’t be any other explanation. It must be God who was taking care of me and had just spoken to me!
I prostrated and prayed, “Dear God, if it’s You who had just spoken to me, I’d be and do whatever You want me to.” Then I prostrated again. Just as I did that, a righteous thought came into my mind. If I was to continue living, I must first forgive. But How? Only moments ago I was cursing them to death. After trying the whole night, I prayed again. “Dear God, I want to forgive my enemies, but I cannot do it on my own. Please help me be able to do so.” What happened next was something I’d never forget the rest of my life. As soon as I finished my prayers, the feeling of hatred in my heart like a fire in the desert was blown away. Instead a breeze of coolness like the first fall of snow swept through my heart. It was wonderful. I felt redeemed and refreshed. I knew immediately a miracle had happened. God had touched my soul with His love. I was able to forgive my enemies through His blessing. I was ecstatic, and cried the tears of joy and excitement the whole night. Later I even prayed for God’s blessings for all 3 of them and their families.
I was to remain living the life of a fugitive in exile till the statute of limitations expired before I could return to Thailand. Though I could not be arrested on criminal charges, I was sued in civil court as well. That new chairman was bent to get me dead or alive. I had to attend lengthy court sessions. When one lawyer after another wanted to charge me a few million Baht as lawyer fee, I suddenly realized that I had God. Why did I need any lawyer? My faith was so strong that I could call it ‘blind faith’. I dismissed my lawyer, and went to court defending myself. Realizing that God helped those who helped themselves, I decided to head back to my former company to petition for justice. Another uphill battle had just begun.
Having been the top boss of the company, I was reduced to being just an ex con woman. Nobody would see me. I’d go there in the morning day after day hoping to get an appointment with someone. Everyone ignored and shunned me. The humiliation was so heart drenching that at times I thought I could not go on. However, I dared not get discouraged. If I did, I would be turned to ashes. I prayed vehemently with my unconditional faith till…..one Monday. On January 17, 1991, as usual I went to see the Director of the Legal Dept. of my former company. Ignoring his secretary’s refusal for me to see him, I barged into his room and presented him with a list of documents I said would prove my innocence. He shook his head. “It’s been 14 years. All documents had been destroyed.” Without premeditation I blurted out. “Then let me go and search the company’s store room myself!”
Nothing could be more absurd than that statement. However, “All Things Are Possible with God. Mark 10:27”. Accompanied by 5 of the company’s staff, I was allowed to go to the specially built and well guarded storage of the company. The Legal Director gave the permission so that he could rid himself of me the nuisance once and for all. Within only 2 hours however, I was able to dig out the evidence that would prove my innocence beyond any doubts. One of my other staff was ordered to destroy them; but for some reason she did not, but reported to the chairman who ordered her that she did.
The Board of Directors learned of the evidence at their next board meeting. They were stunned and speechless. One of them remarked. “We have killed an innocent woman!” Their resolution was to withdraw the case from the civil court immediately, and also asked me not to sue them back.
On March 21, 1991, I walked out of the court for the last time. Before I did, I kneeled down and kissed its floor saying the last goodbye. Even the sky cried the tears of joy for me. It rained the whole morning.
Remembering that I was able to forgive all of those who wrongly accused me because of God’s grace on the night of Dec. 25, 1989, I decided not to sue back for any amount of money though I could have asked for millions of Baht in damages. To family members who could not understand my action, I simply said, “It’s between me and God.”
And so it ended. So had everything. To most people including my husband at that time, my nightmare was over. I should just forget everything and get on with my life. I told my husband I was not a tab that could be turned on and just turned off. To me the fight for justice had ended; so had the purpose of living. I was a wounded woman who needed healing. Suddenly, it was an empty world around me. For the past decade or so I told myself I could not die before I was able to find justice. Now that the truth was known, where was justice? There were no announcements in the newspapers. I was still a social outcast, forgotten by most and shunned by all. All my former colleagues were then top financial executives. I was almost penniless and jobless. I could not even read business newspapers without crying. Suddenly, my previous determination and courage all but disappeared. The only feeling I had left was self pity. I had lost the will to live again.
I used to read about stories of prisoners of war killing themselves upon returning home. Why, I wondered? They endured torture in captivity, yet ended their lives once they were free. I was then facing the same psychological trauma like that of a prisoner of war upon returning home.
As if the Cross I was carrying was not heavy enough, an extra weight was added onto my shoulders. Not understanding that I desperately needed him to help me heal, my husband walked out of the family. I was left to care for our four children alone.
My life at that point was like a beautiful porcelain vase being thrown to the floor, then stomped upon by a strong rogue man. There was nothing left but pieces strewn around on the floor.
Whenever they saw me cry, my two younger children would climb onto my laps, wiped my tears and said, “Mommy, don’t cry. We love you. We promise we’ll be good children. We will study hard and make you proud of us one day.” I’d pull them close, hugged them, and told them I loved them too.
The only 2 things that kept me going at that point were God’s and my children’s love. I prayed every day begging God to help heal me. Since I did not have anyone to whom to turn, I wrote a lot of prayers to Him pouring out my grief, my pain, and every feeling in my heart to Him. God was silent, however. Then one day God spoke to me answering my prayers!
Thailand was hosting the FESPIC Game or the sport event for the disabled in January 1999. The night before the games started, the Head of the Thai team, a man who had a missing leg, appeared on television. He was giving a speech. At one point he said, “Nobody wanted to be born disabled. However, if we could accept this fact of life, we could live a normal life.” That’s it! God had spoken to me. The key to solve my psychological problem was that I must be able to accept what had happened to me. So what that I was a single mother? So what that society shunned me? I still had 10 fingers and a perfect body and a sound mind, didn’t I? Suddenly it was like the unlit bulb being turned on. I could not go back and re-lived nor changed my past, but I could live the present and shape my future. That night I prayed the whole night. The truth had now prevailed. It’s time to move on and found out what His mission for me was. If I continued living in this sorry state of mind, God’s miracle to me would be a waste.
I was baptized on June 2, 1996. Feeling ecstatic, I felt like I was reborn. I then channeled all my energy into serving God. I formed the Hot Line under the auspices of the Catholic Association of Thailand for those in distress. I joined the Catholic Business Executive Group and became their Secretary General. I joined the Thai Catholic Women Association, and was the 1st Vice President. I went to care for the old and visited the crippled. The list went on. My children were then grown up and together we tried our best to serve God.
I was so busy serving God and other people that I forgot about myself and my wound. By the time I had time to look at myself again, I found that the pain in my heart was no longer there. I was completely healed! I was afraid my heart would be scarred for life. Instead it is now filled with love, love of God, love of my children, and love of all others around me. Life is not perfect, but life is beautiful!
Looking back, I likened my experience to that of someone who was thrown into a river. Submerging in the middle of the rapid current, I was struggling to stay afloat. I saw Jesus standing on the shore watching me attentively. I cried out to Him for help. Instead of jumping into the river and rescued me, He’d throw materials, sometimes a log, sometimes a piece of wood to me. Finally, when I was able to swim ashore, He was there smiling and welcoming me with His open arms. By watching over me but letting me learn how to swim myself, Jesus had made me a competent and capable swimmer!
I also discover that the virtue of forgiveness benefits the forgiver, not the forgiven. Forgiving is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary it is the sign of strength. It frees the one who forgives from the chain that ties the person to the pole near the fire of hatred. It is not easy to forgive your enemy. I also find out that it is much, much more difficult to forgive someone whom you love but wrong you. However, once you are able to do so, you are free. You can walk away from the bonfire and breathe fresh air again.
I might have lost 2 decades of my life, but I can say now that looking back I have no bitterness left in my heart. Through my ordeal my children and I were melted by the fire of pain. However, having been immersed in the sea of God’s love together, we now reappear as one unit, united by our love for one another and bonded by our unconditional faith in Jesus.
One by one my children were converted too. Setting a standard for them to follow, I now try to live a Christ-centered life. Never a day passes by that we don’t talk about God and His blessings. I teach them to live their daily lives in such a way that honours Him. I also teach them to have unconditional faith in Him. Trust in Him, I say. I tell them to ask for His guidance and blessing in everything they do, and accept His will thankfully. Often we do not get what we ask for, but we still thank God for what He does not give us. The Lord knows better.
“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you In Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
This kind of faith not only makes my children good Christians, it also makes them strong mentally and spiritually. They can accept disappointment in life with humility and tolerance enabling them to cope with the world of today.
Every week except when we are not in town or sick, my children and I will attend mass together. When we go home, feeling Christ in us, we’d feel a renewed sense of freshness instilled in our soul and be ready for a new week.
Every weekend my whole family which now includes my son-in-law and my 14-month-old grandson will have dinner together. After saying prayers of thanks, we share our weekly experiences with each other amidst laughters. A family of love we are whole and we are one. Whole as we are united with God through our faith in Him. One as we are united by love of one another.
With my children now old enough to help me in my businesses plus an extra gift from God—my son-in-law who is a smart but polite PhD graduate in Engineering from UC Berkeley, U.S.A., my businesses are flourishing and expanding steadily. Everyone who comes into contact with my family will remark with admiration on how lucky I am to have children like them. They are all smart yet polite and obedient. Even my bankers are impressed. They all ask me how I raised them. I simply smile and say, “My children are like this because of God’s blessing.”
Who would have thought a few years ago that a broken family like ours would be healed and blessed like this?
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” Romans 8:28
During the economic crisis in Thailand in 1997 I was so desperate financially that I remarked to my best friend that I was ready to give up everything and was willing to just serve God. A very devout Christian herself, she told me that different people had different talents. She was sure I could serve God better as a businesswoman. She said it would be a waste if I were to become just a housewife. That was the first time I had ever heard that I could serve our Lord through whatever we did. I started praying earnestly that if God wanted me to continue my business, please grant me one that could serve Him. Not long after came a big project that would enable me to employ hundreds of workers. It was a joint venture with a group of foreign investors. Where would I get the money to join them? I prayed, and my children helped me pray too. One week before the deal was concluded, I had enough money for my shares. Since then I never look back.
I have built 2 new factories in one of the best industrial estates in Thailand. In honouring our Lord I built an altar like in a church with verses from the Bible on the wall of each factory. Everyone who enters my factories will see the image of God before he sees my businesses. Besides, on the wall facing the street I have the whole surface covered with mosaics of bold abstract colours with a big golden Cross in the middle. If your heart is full of the Good News and Jesus Christ, it will spill over. You can’t keep it for yourself. Nowadays, I am having a special kind of fever—Jesus Fever—the kind of fever that I do not want its degree to subside no matter what.
If someone asks me to introduce myself today, I’d go like this. I am a faithful servant of God, a proud mother of 4 excellent children, and a businesswoman, in that order. I am also happy to share with you that I have discovered what God’s mission for me is. It is not a big project or something grand in nature. It’s just for me to be a good child of His, living my daily life in such a way that people see Christ in me, and dare be a witness like I am doing now. This is what God wants me to be. This is what God wants everyone to be.
I start this blog so that I can be a witness that God is real, God is great, and God is love.
The ‘Prayers’ that will appear in this blog were written by me after I was baptized in 1996. I now re-write them in English to share with you the readers.
I’d like to summarize my life so far with the following verses from the Bible.
“My child, if you aspire to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for an ordeal. Be sincere of heart, be steadfast. and do not be alarmed when disaster comes. Cling to Him and do not leave Him, so that you may be honored at the end of your days. Whatever happens to you, accept it, and in the uncertainties of your humble state, be patient, Since gold is tested in the fire, and the chosen in the furnace of humiliation. Trust Him and He will uphold you, follow a straight path and hope in Him. You who fear the Lord, wait for His mercy. Do no turn aside, for fear you fall. You who fear the Lord, trust Him, and you will not be robbed of your reward. You who fear the Lord, hope for those good gifts of His, everlasting joy and mercy. Look at the generations of old and see; who ever trusted in the Lord and was put to shame? Or who ever, steadfastly fearing Him, was forsaken? or who ever called to Him and was ignored? For the Lord is compassionate and merciful, He forgives sins and saves in the time of distress. Ecclesiasticus 2:1-11
“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.”
Philippians 3:13
“What is impossible with men is possible with God.” Luke 18:27
“Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other
just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
“For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs 24:16
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,whose confidence is in Him.”
Jeremiah 17:7
“Woman. You have great faith! Your request is granted.” Matthew 15:28
May God bless you all.
Mary Sarindhorn Mativachranon
August 7, 2008
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